It is day three and already I have the blues. I wish I could just end the post right here but I will try to make sense of the thoughts and emotions churning inside me. I guess the thing that’s been topmost on my mind today has been the concept of obligation; the owning and receiving of favours; the eternal loop of certain kinds of debts. In a strange way, the TV show, ‘Lucifer’ is quite insightful about this particular topic. Most of our suffering is our own doing; we are the ones punishing ourselves constantly for the things that we regret. We hold on to these feelings until they become festering wounds and there is no guarantee of ever healing completely. There is so much advice out there about letting go or standing up for yourself or finding peace but sadly the path to redemption is hard and rocky and you don’t have the right shoes and you ran out of water a few hours ago. So eventually you just turn back to base camp; the comfort zone and tell yourself you’ll live to try another day. But you remember how bad it hurt to try in the first place so your next attempt keeps getting postponed until you once again are completely unprepared for it; the cycle just keeps repeating. You distract yourself with all the other things life has to offer but you know deep down that you will never really feel whole until you get this burden off your back. You imagine the feeling of it rolling away but even in your imaginings, you know it’s not that simple. There will be twists and turns and setbacks and false starts and you may spend the rest of your life trying to get it off your back. But if don’t even try, you know it’s never going away and it will only get heavier with each passing day. Like some weird interest rate compounded by the hour. It would make a good poem actually, I might give that a shot.
In other news, I didn’t manage to donate my books yet. But I have not given up hope. I will try again tomorrow.
I love my new executive planner. Broke it in today for the first work day of the year. Here’s to a well documented and minuted year ahead 😉