Day 41 – Fast Forward

I want to fast forward ahead to the time when we can wake up in the morning next to each other every day. We’ll plan completely insane and impromptu trips to random places for no good reason. We’ll have a favorite pub where we can be found every now and then, walking back tipsily at the end of the night. We’ll make lots of garlic bread with cheese. Maybe I’ll finally learn how to listen to audio books without pulling out my hair. We could do anything in the world that we want. Even though I know that I shouldn’t be trying to skip ahead, that the journey is the best part, I just want to skip this uncertain part of the road, take a shortcut and arrive at the point where the scenery is better and the bad parts are firmly in the rearview. But I also know that this is exactly what I should not be doing. There is a reason that things happen in the way that they do. There is a time and a place for them and the obstacles are meant to help us grow. Also, let’s face it, skipping ahead has never worked out for me. So we’re going to take this slow, deal with things that need to be dealt with. And we’ll reach where we’re meant to be.

I used to have a different kind of wish before. To be a time traveler, and jump to different points in time just to see what my life looks like and whether I am happy. That’s all I wanted to be able to do. Just reassure myself that things worked out. Of course at the time I didn’t realise that this is quite a universal yearning. Most people would want the gift of foresight instead of hindsight. This is why we’re so obsessed with time travel in popular culture. I have devoured books such as ‘The Time Traveler’s Wife’ and endlessly watched time travel episodes in the Star Trek franchise. I love the idea of fate; the idea that no matter what happens, it was always meant to be. So you can move through the fabric of space and time but things will happen exactly the way they were meant to. At the same time, I agonize over my smallest decisions sometimes, wondering if there was something different I could have said or done in a particular situation which would have led to a different outcome. I guess I’m just a contrarian and I am probably proud to be one. Can’t be sure, it’ll all be clear in hindsight.

Day 40 – There is no sense in anything

Sometimes I wonder whether there is any sense in trying to make sense of this world. Maybe it would just be better to find the delusion that suits me best and live in that cocoon. I guess I already do that in a way. But there is this constant underlying nagging anxiety that this isn’t right. I should be a better person; live a more fulfilling life; be healthier; work more for a better cause or work less and do what I really want with my life. It’s an endless buffet of choices with which to self flagellate. Every once in a while I read some impassioned piece about being true to yourself and to hell with the rest of the world. It sounds good but just slightly divorced from reality. Only in the last couple of months, I have taken a few decisions which are solely for the purpose of making myself happy. For example, I decided that this year I would only read fiction. I am done with all the endless non-fiction of which I have found only a handful to be truly engaging. Most of the rest have been the equivalent of swallowing very bitter medicine. But even having made this decision, I have imposed on myself a target number of books to read in the year and I have been increasingly paranoid about not reading my daily quota. I know for a fact that I feel better after spending my evening reading rather than binge watching TV shows but I still wish I didn’t have this voice in my head telling me to make better choices.

In other news, this weekend I finally finished reading the audio book of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and it was some ride. It has taken me almost a month to finish this book but it is so engaging that I really don’t understand why. In any case, I am very happy to be done with that. I will think long and hard before I start another audiobook in future. Stephen Fry is an excellent narrator. I first encountered his work when I heard the Harry Potter series narrated by him. I have heard the entire series end to end atleast 5 times just because of his narration and it will always be my comfort listen. I am starting on my next book today: Marion Lane and the Midnight Murder and I am sincerely hoping to make up for lost time this month. Wish me luck. Cheers!