Day 018 – It’s a Hard Day’s Night

I am having a hard time getting through the day today. Feels like just going through the motions with absolutely no to point to it. I know it’s an exaggeration. I know I’m probably being too dramatic but it doesn’t feel like that. It feels existential. I’m listening to the soundtrack from Hamilton which usually pumps me up. Let’s hope it works tonight. I have so many things in so many lists that I could be doing (some of them more interesting than others) but I don’t feel like doing any of them. I started watching a movie which seems very interesting but I lost patience in 15 minutes. I don’t want to read my book. I don’t want to go to sleep yet. I almost feel like having a crying jag but I have no idea why.

Is this it? Is this all there is to life? You get through somehow, never knowing for sure if you’re doing okay or not? Just go through life feeling anxious about stupid little things. I am currently feeling anxious about the orange that has been sitting on my desk for the last 2 days; and the fact that I don’t take enough notes about the things that I read so how will I ever remember the things that are important; and whether my hair is getting worse by the day or not; and what will it take for me to be really content with my life so that I can work towards being happy. A friend of mine once joked that my anxiety and I probably talk to each other a lot. She’s not wrong. It feels like there are two different people in my head constantly arguing with each other, and I suspect that the one that is winning should really be the one that is losing.

I wonder if anyone has the answers to any of these questions or do we all carefully construct palaces of illusions to help us make sense of our own tiny little lives. Maybe I should have pursued a degree in architecture. Or philosophy.

That’s it for now.

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